I was talking to a couple of moms today. We were talking about our older children and the different stressors we have when it comes to dealing with them. There is something I want women of small children to know that I had know clue of when I was raising my children. I made a lot of sacrifices for my family and many of my decisions were based upon being a good example for my children. I went to college because I wanted to be a good example to my children. I wanted them to see that I went to college and earned my degree while raising four small children. I wanted them to see that if I can do it with children it should be easier for them with no children. I moved my children to what I believed was a safer environment with better schools. This is just a couple of examples of some of the things we do for our children.
What I figured out and what I said to these moms today was that, "It does not matter how great of a mother we are or what examples we set for our children, they are going to do what they want to do regardless." Of course this does not mean that you should not be an example to your children or that you should not make sacrifices because there may be some things you do or say while raising your children that will make a great difference. While you are being an example, know that your child is very likely to not go about their life the way you see fit for them.
They may not make the decisions that you would rather them make. You may speak to them over and over again about specific things and it will be as if you've never had the conversation with them. They will more than likely do things or make decisions that you just cannot understand. You may often say to yourself and others, "I did not raise him (or her) that way." Just because your child saw you work hard to raise them and earn a degree does not mean that he or she will decide to go to college. Just because you raised your child in a safer neighborhood does not mean that your child will not get into some serious troubles. These are just a couple of examples of how your best efforts as a mom will not guarantee your desired outcome. Let me be the one to tell those of you who have small children that when they get older it is a new kind of terrifying feeling when you have to force yourself to let go a bit and allow them to go out into the world and make their OWN mistakes! A little piece of your heart is now out there on its own to live life. You try to make sure they stay on the straight and narrow and avoid certain things by having the conversations, but sometimes that will not be enough.
I want you to know that there is know need to try to be perfect as a mom. Such a thing does not exist. Some want to be seen as a perfect mom. Why put that pressure on yourself to look good to people who simply do not matter? You want your child to get to know you, not some preconceived idea you have of what a mother should be or look like. Also, even if you feel like you are a perfect mom when your children gets older there will be moments when you question that notion to yourself. So, be easy and kind to yourself. Be there for them when they need you. Be there now, when they are small and can't do much on their own and also as adults when they fail or make a mistake. Just simply be there!